Trusting Children: The Hardest and Most Important Thing You’ll Ever Do.
One of the hardest things for adults—parents, educators, caregivers alike—is to step back and trust children. To trust that they are capable. To trust that they know what they need. To trust that their learning and growing doesn’t require us to manage every step.
It feels almost impossible at times. We are bombarded with fear-driven headlines, parenting advice columns, and a constant inner voice telling us we must do more to protect, to guide, to shape. And yet, if you ask most adults what they truly want for the children in their care, the answers are strikingly similar:
“I want them to grow up confident.”
“I want them to be resilient.”
“I want them to know they can handle life.”
Here lies the paradox: the very confidence, resilience, and self-belief we dream of for our children cannot be given to them. They are qualities children must build themselves—and the raw material they use is our trust.
The Challenge of Letting Go
It is not easy. When a child climbs a tree higher than feels comfortable, every adult instinct screams: Be careful! Come down, (or what I witnessed this month, the parent yelling at her child to get down, as she was clearly overwhelmed). That’s too high! When a child insists on pouring their own drink, knowing full well the water will likely end up all over the table, it’s faster and cleaner to do it ourselves.
But here’s the truth: every time we step in to fix, control, or smooth out the bumps, we send a subtle message—“I don’t believe you can handle this.”
Children hear that message loud and clear, even if unspoken. Over time, it chips away at their sense of capability.
Teacher Tom puts it this way: “If we want children to grow into capable, responsible adults, then we must treat them as capable and responsible right now.”
What the Research Tells Us
Psychologists call this self-efficacy—a child’s belief in their ability to succeed in specific situations. Research by Albert Bandura, who pioneered the concept, shows that self-efficacy directly impacts motivation, resilience, and achievement. Children who believe they can cope with challenges are far more likely to try, persist, and grow.
And how does a child develop self-efficacy? By being allowed to try. To stumble. To pour the water, climb the tree, negotiate the conflict, solve the puzzle—in their own way.
Trust is the fertile soil in which capability grows.
Peter Gray, in Free to Learn, reminds us: “Children come into the world biologically designed to educate themselves through play and exploration. When we step in too soon, we rob them of that birthright.”
The Misconception of “Good Parenting” and “Good Teaching”
Caring adults often equate control with love. We want children to succeed, so we remove every obstacle. We don’t want them hurt, so we remove every risk. We want them to do well, so we jump in to correct, instruct, or rescue before they even get stuck.
It comes from love—but it denies children the very experiences that shape confidence.
A scraped knee teaches balance better than any lecture.
A toppled tower teaches perseverance more effectively than a step-by-step adult plan.
A disagreement with a peer teaches negotiation in ways no teacher-led role play can replicate.
The misconception is that trust equals neglect. The truth is, trust equals respect.
Three Shifts That Build Trust in Children
If trusting children feels hard for you, you’re not alone. It’s a practice. Here are three shifts to try:
Pause Before Intervening
Next time you see a child struggle, pause for a count of five before stepping in. Ask yourself, Are they in real danger—or just discomfort? Discomfort is the place where growth happens.Change Your Language
Swap “Be careful!” for “I trust you.” Instead of telling them what to do, ask, “What’s your plan?” This subtle shift communicates belief in their ability. You will definitely hear me say this at Wild Gully.Value Process Over Outcome
When children show you something they’ve created or achieved, resist the urge to evaluate. Try, “You worked hard on that” or “Tell me about it.” This centres their effort and decision-making, not your approval.
A Story of Trust in Action
I once watched a group of children building a bridge across a shallow creek using logs and loose branches. From the sidelines, it looked precarious—the logs slipped, the structure wobbled, feet got wet. Every adult instinct in me wanted to suggest a “safer” way. But I held back.
Within minutes, the children were testing, adjusting, arguing, laughing, and eventually building a bridge that held. Did they fail along the way? Absolutely. But in the process, they learned about balance, cooperation, cause and effect, and—most importantly—the belief that they could solve problems together. And that is another blog post - process over product.
My role was not to teach them how to build a bridge. My role was to trust them enough to try.
The Transformation
When we step back and trust children, we give them space to step forward. They rise to our expectations. They discover their own courage. They build resilience brick by brick, scraped knee by scraped knee, muddy shoe by muddy shoe.
Trust is not about letting go completely—it’s about holding the space where children can test themselves against the world, knowing we are there if truly needed.
When you choose to trust your child, you’re not only helping them build capability—you’re giving them the gift of joy. The joy of discovery, the joy of independence, the joy of saying, “I did it myself.”
And isn’t that the deepest dream we hold for them?
A Call to You
If this resonates with you, I invite you to experience what happens when children are trusted in an environment designed for them to succeed. At Wild Gully, we create spaces where children lead, take risks, problem-solve, and grow—while adults practice the art of stepping back and watching capability bloom.
Come and see what children can do when we trust them. We have worked hard to create a yes environment, trusting and negotiating with your child.
